drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
