it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
there's paper in my vomit.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
