There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
