All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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