just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Randomize
