how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
