i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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