I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
