My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
