i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
