thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
try to milk me bitch
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
