i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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