If i come over, it means nothing
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
