She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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