How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
