dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She's the barista slut.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
