I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
