he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
