so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
