I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I touched a dick in church today
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
