ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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