Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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