I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
