mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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