I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
