did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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