The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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