just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
