i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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