If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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