So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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