I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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