I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
