I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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