Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
