if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
