I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
