Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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