Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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