Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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