I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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