my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
