So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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