My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
