I accidentally had phone sex last night
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
