I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
