even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
