It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm too high and old for this...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
