i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
