how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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