So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
